A sophomore English major at Yale University, I write to apply for a summer position at your firm, where its inspired mission statement and premium on teamwork and bold investment across the market makes me think that you will perhaps not read the end of this sentence wherein I fail to say anything because I will have succeeded so admirably at distracting you with the corporate-sounding words at the beginning of the sentence.
At Yale, where I go, I was told as a freshman that all I needed was the Yale name to distract from my lack of practical competence. In addition, I have gained a number of skills that will be useful in an office environment. The large amount of reading assigned at Yale has trained me to be efficient (hello, Cliffs Notes). Additionally, having mastered the art of snapping after something particularly wise has been said, I am accustomed to a reward-and-incentive-system that would allow me to function well as a team player at your firm. Through my additional experience in classes such as Major English Poets, I have developed the skills to read, memorize, and recite large amounts of Middle English, which speaks to my ability to perform unpleasant tasks for unspecified reasons. So I’ll definitely be O.K. with getting you coffee, anytime.
You may notice that I haven’t listed any “work experience” per se thus far, but please be advised that I have an enormous amount of experience with investment from my own personal life, in which I quite enjoy increasing efficiency and otherwise streamlining processes.
Additionally, once in my freshman year at Yale, I took an economics class, in which I learned to draw graphs and unlearned eighth-grade algebra.
Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.