Classifieds, Nov. 5, 2008

Conserva-T’s Apparel seeks designer for retro “There are Republicans in New England” fall line. For consideration, please submit CV, samples of previous work, and proof of NRA membership.

Republican party seeks trained professionals for constructing machine to un-nominate Sarah Palin for Vice President. Desired skills include particle physics, knowledge of time travel, denial.

Experienced event planner needed immediately (before ballot-initiative season) in Massachusetts for stoned gay wedding at defunct greyhound track.

Immediate opening: General Store, Liberty, TX. We are a small, primarily white (not racist!), blue-collar community seeking stock manager to handle increased demand for the following items: cookie dough, Advil, razor blades.

CNN hologram open casting call. Photogentic, personable. Punditry/Hip-hop/Star Wars background a plus. Telephone Obi-Wan for audition information.

Wolf Blitzer seeks agent to manage new career goals including hosting Rockin’ New Years Eve with taxidermied Dick Clark and killing time in front of giant 2012 election countdown clock on cable news.

Lighting professionals wanted for new live-action Skeletor TV series featuring James Carville in title role. Experience in soft and dim lighting desired to mask insect-like on-camera appearance.

Counselor positions available at New Horizons Drug Rehabilitation Center due to spike in addictions to powerful, mystery drug “Obama-dust.” Applicants must have experience dealing with bouts of euphoria, uncontrollable tears/chanting, reported feelings of “hope” and belief in “change.”

Tina Fey seeks therapist to overcome multiple personality disorder.

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