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The New Yale Man

Takes one to know one. Or does it? Courtesy Ike Wilson

Mr. Ike Wilson is a 21-year-old student at Yale University in New Haven, CT. He’s currently working as a teacher at a summer program called Ulysses S. Grant. We call it U.S. Grant for short. Ike is teaching a class on the first-person narrative in which I am one of his students. At first I thought his class was BORING. But as time passed it started to become kind of fun.

Mr. Wilson has curly brown hair that comes to an Elvis Presley-looking point at the top. He has an interesting face with bushy eyebrows, squinty eyes, a pointy nose and an odd-shaped mouth. Overall, he has a super small head.

Ike can usually be seen wearing a pair of old-man loafers, straight-legged pants and a solid colored shirt. He’s approximately 5’11” and is a super skinny dude. Ike has ears that look like question marks and quite a few bags under his eyes. These bags are so big that you could go on a week-long shopping spree with Oprah and still have room under his eyes to store your stuff. Ike is as busy as a bee, so he is often very sleepy.

Mr. Wilson loves basketball. When he was a kid, he was obsessed with Nerf. He used to think he’d be the new-age Jordan. But then he came to his senses. He realized that his dream team “The Secret” would never be and that the NBA wouldn’t be calling. So after years of perfecting his made-up moves, Ike called it quits. It was time for him to come back to the real world. Now, Ike only plays for fun. At lunch he can be seen playing taps with Mercedes, another one of his students. People say that she sleeps a lot, but if you put a basketball in front of her, she becomes wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. But enough about her.

Mr. Wilson is a sneaker freak. When asked how many pairs of sneakers he has, he obnoxiously replied, “I have like somewhere around 40 pairs. Sometimes I Nike ID them, but most of the time I buy them as is.”

Ike is obsessed with his name. On his Nike ID’d sneakers the “N” is in one color and the “IKE” is in another. If you haven’t noticed, he highlights the part of Nike that is his name. If you take the “N” off of “Nike”, what do you get? IKE! Ike Wilson, that’s his name, and playing basketball is his game.

But as of right now, Ike isn’t playing ball. He’s playing with his black and yellow pen. It sort of looks like a bumblebee. Now he’s looking at some black and white “Thank You” cards that sit on a very manly hot pink file organizer thingy. Now Ike seals the envelope with a lick of his tongue. Ewwwww! Get some tape, man.

Mr. Wilson is a rising senior at Yale University. I don’t think he has a girlfriend. He’s never texting and doesn’t have any pictures in his wallet. He also mopes around all day like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Ladies, there’s a single man on the loose. For all you cougars out there, Mr. Wilson is lonely.

Mr. Wilson has an odd-looking piece of hair that sticks off the top of his head. It looks like this Greaser needs a haircut! Maybe Mr. Ternus can hook him up with a fade and a fresh edge.

Mr. Wilson loves to hit the books. He hasn’t gotten more than five hours of sleep in eight years. No wonder he’s always so grumpy. Or at least that’s what he says about how many hours of sleep he gets.

Ike loves to visit his family. Sadly, his mother and brother were in a car accident recently. The car flipped over four times! Luckily no one was hurt.

Ike is from California. He lives in San Francisco. Yeah, I was disappointed too. I thought he lived in Hollywood. But what man in his right mind would leave HOLLYWOOD and come here, all the way across the country to New Haven, Connecticut?!

Mr. Wilson has his own style. Sometimes his skinnies have a few wrinkles. That just makes me wonder what his room looks like. I’m going to just take a guess.

No man who gets just under five hours of sleep has time to keep a neat, clean room. I get nine hours of sleep and my room’s still a mess.

According to Ike, his childhood Nerf goal is on the back of his dormitory door facing the big common room. He says his dorm consists mostly of a desk and bed, so where does he store his clothes? There has to be someplace he stores all those old-man loafers. And what about those pants? He has to have at least five pairs: two blue, two khaki and a black. Then there are all those shirts. On July 13th, Ike was wearing a blue, grey, and white striped polo with his blue skinny-legged jeans. And last but not least, he was wearing his navy blue old-man loafers. Now, that outfit deserves to be on the cover of a magazine. NOT!

Today, Ike edits more work. He could really use a break. Maybe while he’s on that break he could brush up on those handwriting skills. I mean, he writes like my doctor in that yet-to-be famous chicken scratch.

But there are some things that Ike is good at, like basketball and teaching. If he puts those skills together he could be a basketball coach. It’s a very doable job. My Social Studies teacher, Mr. Civ, does it and he works full time. Coaching basketball is just his side hustle.

On a regular basis, Ike is a pretty cool dude. Although he is often tired, he gets his work done. Ike is dedicated and that is why he’s #1. That is why I like IKE.

My name is Tatiana Gay and I approve this message.


Tatiana Gay is an eighth grader at Conte West Hills School in New Haven.

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